A great relief
Sunday January 17, 2010
Thankyou for helping me. I am a musician and have been all my life. I suffered beatings and humiliation as a child from my tyranical father, who has sought to control me for my whole life. I now live in another country with my wife and we are currently reading one of your books. We are each others enlightened witnesses as we have both suffered at the hands of our parents, and I read the book to us each day, with three more to follow and probably the whole collection after that!
My father once destroyed a kite I had made at school and used the wood it was made from to beat me. He also beat me for rolling down a hill side with my friends at Scouts, all because I was in my new Scout uniform. And this is only what I remember so far, I'm sure there is more. He has verbally abused me and put me down my whole life as well, calling me fat when I was overweight, ignoring me and telling me not to be a musician, even though this is what I am. He once gave me a new guitar as a teenager, but without any love it was meanlingless and I felt no regard for it and gave it away to a friend for fixing my computer. Only later on when I discovered angst ridden rock music did I teach myself how to sing, play guitar and piano, and start writing my own music. Alot of my lyrics have always been about setting your soul free, flying and taking what the world has to offer, something that I have never been able to do until recently.
I lived with parents until I was 22 and then moved out. After a year of living away I returned home briefly before starting University. In this brief time I became overweight from my mothers overfeeding of me and my father ridiculed me for it. I once again moved out after a year and have never been back. Eventually I met my beloved wife, a broken and kindred soul like me and a fellow musician and artist with amazing talents as an trained pianist and Opera singer. She has an incredible voice and yet suffers from the worst anxiety and panic attacks when confronted with performing. I blame her parents for this, and we have now decided to have nothing more to do with them. I have found the courage to stand up for her and tell them to leave us alone, something which I was never able to do before because I couldn't do it for myself. I only found this courage from reading your book.
Anyway, back to my story, my then future wife moved to another country and I soon followed, and we were married a year later.
We went back home to be married and my parents paid for the wedding. Even then they controlled everything, not listening to my wifes specific request to have a small wedding due to her anxiety and panic attacks, and instead having a huge affair that they dictated every aspect of. This is how it has been everytime we have returned to visit them. We have been disrespected, ignored and not listend too. And still they wander why we live here and why we don't return home, even though they have a large sum of money that they will put towards a deposit on a home for us. This of course comes with a price, the house would have to be in the home country, close to them, and not where we are now.
Your book has given me the courage to write this letter and to face up to my anger and the pain they have inflicted upon me. I have always wandered why I felt no connection to my family and now realize why. I feel anger and hatred when I think of my father, and my mother because she never stood up for me, instead letting him beat and humiate me. I pity them for I know they must have suffered as well and still do, but I can never forgive them for what they're done. I know now that there is no love between us, not anything that could be called love anyway, just fear, intimidation and cruelty. I am starting to feel free of their constraints and free from the inner chains that have bound me. For years I have written songs which are filled with anger and pain, and have always thought that I didn't understand what the lyrics I had written were about. Instead I thought they just came from my deep subconscious and were not of my making. Now I know what they are about and am not ashamed to admit it.
I feel the fear subsiding gradually as well. I was afraid of writing this letter as I thought it might be discovered by my family. But it feels so good to express my feelings and my gratitude to you for showing me the light. I no longer feel guilty about being angry and about living my life the way I want too - as a musician, and where I want too - far away from my family. I no longer care if we never go back to visit them and I won't let them guilt trip us into it either. Not once in the five years we have been in this country have they come to visit us, even though it is very cheap and close to the home country. And if and when we have children, I doubt they will come then either. And that suits me just fine.
I know we have only just started on this road and have not even finished the book we're reading 'The Body never lies', but already I feel great relief. I don't know if I'll go on hating my father forever, and I don't care. For now it feels good to vent my anger. Thank you so much Alice . Becaue of you I am no longer afraid to have children, because I know that I would never hurt them as I was hurt, and I have alot of love to give.
AM: It takes time to get rid of the illusions we kept in us for years. But you seem to be on the path toward this liberation, fortunately together with your wife. Hopefully, my books will give you both the company of the enlightened witness.