How to live
Wednesday February 07, 2007
It has been a couple of months since I last wrote to you and lots has happened in these past two months. I have come to a place where after two years of painting, writing, talking, grieving, fearing, and feeling my story, it seems that finally the story is out...the image that keeps coming to my mind is that I have come through a monster-infested forest and now I have reached the edge of it. I can see the meadow, the light, but at the moment I am too exhausted from communicating and feeling the story through and through to be able to move into the meadow and light. I am sort of resting on the edge of it.
There is a profound emptiness I feel right now, and a wondering...now what? I stood at my easel the other day, hoping to paint and nothing came and I got a little sad, a little upset, since painting has been such a wonderful outlet for me for two years now. I have done 321 paintings, and then this empty sadness came over and I asked myself, "Why can't you paint?". And I heard a voice inside me saying "I am empty. I am finished painting." And so I trusted her, and said thank you to her for all the hard work of getting the story out and how proud I am of her and grateful to her. And later I realized how for my whole life I have had a passion to communicate, to try and get the truth out, to get the whole story out. That passion has driven me and kept me alive these 46 years. Finally two years ago, I found my Enlightened Witness who has stood by me, heard every gory detail and respected me throughout the whole process, I have finally, finally, finally, after all these years, gotten the story out, unedited, just as it was. And it was hell on earth, and now I know how bad it was. And now I am taking responsiblity for that child that I was and loving her as she so truly deserves.
Your wisdom given through your books and the few letters I have recieved from here on this website have been a very important gift that has helped me to trust myself and the child who has had to tell the gruesome story. Thank you for that.
Now, I find myself so empty and feeling so bewildered about the next part of the journey...How will I find passion again, and now I see it will take courage from me to seek out and trust joy and beauty. Real courage, because I have not known joy or beauty very well so far, they have been like distant strangers that I did not really trust. And now when the hell of my past is no longer my life's focus, I wonder what will become of me? I know so well how to survive, but I am not so sure I know how to live, how to live in Today. I wonder if you have anything you can say to help me understand this crucial transition time?
You have my respect and gratitude, L.C.
AM: You seem to be now so close to yourself as you have never been before. Trust yourself. Maybe you need just a break after the long work you have done. Your feelings will soon tell you what you need next. Nobody knows better what you need than your feelings when they eventually became your friends.